September 25, 2006

The Future is Now

I don't trust the future. I never have. As a child I treated every day like it was the end-all be-all of my existence, which meant I took as much as my greedy hands could hold, even if I was never going to use what I snatched. I talked back, like I already knew the answers. To everyone. To all matters of life, the universe and everything else. I had no wonder about the world as most children do; my knowledge was steeped in certainty, meaning that I certainly knew I didn't care what the future held for me. I didn't know what it was going to be like so I didn't want anything to do with it. Somehow, people found this charming.

Entering into my teens I started to question this "live each day like there's no tomorrow" theory, due mostly to the undeniable fact that the future had, indeed, caught up to me (or I had to it) and now was known: I was older, taller, more of a smart aleck. I couldn't help it, I was swept up into being a part of the future without my consent! This infuriated me. Was I not master of my own destiny? So instead I sought to predict the future, for if I was accurate I could believe I had caused it to happen. And if anyone was in my life it was because I let them be, because I could see how they would benefit me in the future. This process, this endless and empty process has gone on for years.

Well, I'm done with it. Not with the future, but with trying to predict it. It's not my future. It might never be, that is, I might not have one. And if I do it is a gift from God that I not only did not charm Him into giving me, but I didn't deserve.

I want to believe I know what the future will be like, or who will be in it. I want to believe I have one. But instead I'll believe in Him.


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