Painting the bassinet
And the company of these lovely ladies!
I turn 30 this October 8th. And I have no idea how to think about that.
As a teenager I so very much looked forward to this milestone birthday. In my mind, a thirty-year-old was so many things: a woman, an adult, a married person, potentially a mother and someone who is fulfilled. It was the stereotypical idea of "having it all."
It wasn't until after college that, looking at the wayward direction of my life, that milestone started to look a little less attractive. And by the time I was 26, I developed a full-on dread of the upcoming bday.
Becoming a Christian staid that fear, which was a very welcome change of mind. But a few challenging years went by and the "newness" of that renewal sort of wore off. [Which is probably a sign that my initial conversion, wasn't (or at least that it wasn't regenerative).] Moving four times, holding several different jobs and not having much time to make friends along the way didn't help matters. Presently, being isolated in Madison with no friends or family for 100 miles plus, isn't helping to assuage my worry about not knowing who I am.
I started writing the post below several months ago, I think before I knew I was pregnant. I went back and finished it today. It's just a jumble of thoughts about identity; who we think we are, should be, and/or how to understand when those expectations don't materialize on time. Let me know what you think in the comments. If you're willing, think back to the eve of your own 30th birthday (or even before that) and who you wanted to be. What would you tell the younger you about her worries?
I don't have a clever wrap-up to this post. I'm closer now to my 30th than when I began writing this, and in the meantime have discovered another blogger who was going through a similar identity crisis and started her blog, "New Dress a Day," after being inspired by "Julie and Julia" to quit bitching and do something new. Which, predictably, made me feel like my own concerns were contrived (since someone else used the same pop culture referent to spark a renewal). Darn it, I'm not even original in the sources of my concerns!
Perhaps the problem is that I have found similarities in pop culture referents at all; as a Christian I should be seeing myself how Christ sees me, no? I gotta tell you, that is a lovely platitude but often statements like that fall flat in the face of daily challenges to how one sees herself. Not to mention the internal dialogue; I don't think one can honestly say that what you think about yourself doesn't matter at all. I admire people who say they "die daily," but I confess I haven't figured out how to do that yet.
Throw into this whole mix the fact I am having a baby right around my 30th birthday. Talk about complicating the issue! In some ways, that fact validates my previous feelings about "who I should be" by this age and, in others, it completely obliterates them. It's a classic paradigm of asking for something, then getting it and realizing the circumstances of the gift are not ideal (meaning, not what you were asking for). So, you're essentially just as surprised as you would've been getting something completely different than your request. Back to square one...
Not to get too epistemological here or anything but.. a huge part of my current self-confusion stems from not knowing how to think about what I think. Which are valid concerns and which are the product of a sinful nature? And, even if they are the product of sin, shouldn't they still be considered, in order to understand how I relate to Christ?
Here's what I've come up with so far in my thinking:
1. I am someone else in Christ, specifically someone new.
2. I should listen to/read as much as I can about Christ so I understand who He is.
3. I should try my hardest, despite internal objections, to remain hopeful that, some day, I will know "who I am."
She's too deep inside her own head to be careful about what she writes.* Meghan makes a lot of accusations which seem, almost all of the time, to be for the purpose of stirring the pot. But who's meant to be stirred? Why, moderate Republicans and conservatives of all types (but especially those with strong enough hard-line values to be ranked as "far right" by Meghan), of course. Meghan's main beef seems to be with anyone labeling themselves a 'Republican' who doesn't satisfy her own ideas about what that means. But.. they can't be too conservative or too moderate, because that makes them RINOS.
Knowing that I was too naive and loose with my worldview is what kept me from writing a book years ago. And I recognize that I'm still not ready to do that, because I'm not discerning enough to see through all the bs in politics and form a valid and valuable overview to disseminate to others. I'm merely at the point of seeing everything that's going on - but not able to put it all together a lot of the time, let alone draw insightful conclusions. Yet Meghan McCain went straight from college to "professional blogging," probably due in no small part to name recognition, but more so to her willingness to ride the "I'm not your typical conservative" bus until the wheels fall off.
But not only does she not seem like a "typical conservative" (whatever that even means), she doesn't seem like much of a conservative at all. The only issue I've heard her mention often is gay rights. She will start sentences with, "If Reagan were alive, he would..." without validating her opinions with any facts, and never questions her own commentary on any subject.
Yet, she is now a published author and I'm still not. Oh well. I'd rather be an unpublished, self-aware, non-pro blogger who can comfortably assert my conservative allegiance than anything less.
*I know what you're thinking... "Um, couldn't you say the same about yourself?" Yes, but that's why I stick to blogging, instead of imagining my opinions to be so important that someone should pay money to read them.Because I'm happy to give credit when someone says it better than me, here is an excellent book review of "Dirty, Sexy Politics." And yes, he did actually read the book first. Poor fellow.