September 25, 2006

The Future is Now


I don't trust the future. I never have. As a child I treated every day like it was the end-all be-all of my existence, which meant I took as much as my greedy hands could hold, even if I was never going to use what I snatched. I talked back, like I already knew the answers. To everyone. To all matters of life, the universe and everything else. I had no wonder about the world as most children do; my knowledge was steeped in certainty, meaning that I certainly knew I didn't care what the future held for me. I didn't know what it was going to be like so I didn't want anything to do with it. Somehow, people found this charming.

Entering into my teens I started to question this "live each day like there's no tomorrow" theory, due mostly to the undeniable fact that the future had, indeed, caught up to me (or I had to it) and now was known: I was older, taller, more of a smart aleck. I couldn't help it, I was swept up into being a part of the future without my consent! This infuriated me. Was I not master of my own destiny? So instead I sought to predict the future, for if I was accurate I could believe I had caused it to happen. And if anyone was in my life it was because I let them be, because I could see how they would benefit me in the future. This process, this endless and empty process has gone on for years.

Well, I'm done with it. Not with the future, but with trying to predict it. It's not my future. It might never be, that is, I might not have one. And if I do it is a gift from God that I not only did not charm Him into giving me, but I didn't deserve.

I want to believe I know what the future will be like, or who will be in it. I want to believe I have one. But instead I'll believe in Him.

July 27, 2006

He understands.

I am a poor wayfaring stranger
Traveling through this world alone.
There is no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land to which I go.

I know dark clouds will gather 'round me
I know my way is rough and steep,
But beautious fields lie just before me
Where God's redeemed their vigils keep.

I'm going there to meet my Savior
Dwell with Him and never roam.
I'm only going over Jordan
I'm only going over home.



He will come out to meet me. He will come out to meet you, too. Please come with me. I love you.

I think of you always, and write letters to you in my thoughts daily. I hope someday you will read them. I love you.

You have distanced yourself from me this time. But we are forever sisters because we have the same Father. I love you more than I have ever told you.

I have always wanted to protect you; now I find myself being protected by you. You have a light in you that is undeniable. Please keep shining it on me. I love you.

We are all longing for the same thing. We can only seek it when we know what it is, else, all is in vain.


"It's hard to believe He still loves me knowing how wrong I have been, when all I can say is, 'I'm sorry,' when all I can feel is my sin. He understands when all I can do is cry. He feels the hurt that no one can see down inside. And when the words get in the way I know He still hears.

You may not believe that I'm broken, for all you can see is my smile. But He hears the heart that's unspoken and He gives me strength through each trial.

He understands when all I can do is cry.
He feels the hurt that no one can see down inside. And when the words get in the way I know He still hears."


I will trust these words get to you even if you don't or can't read this. He understands me. I hope you
can, too.


The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;
they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.
Isaiah 51:14

June 23, 2006

Something strange is happening!

I've been aware of it for months but i couldn't put my finger on it exactly until last night:

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed... If you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God..."
1 Peter 4: 12-13, 16-17

Every time I think I'm "fighting the good fight of the faith" (Timothy 6:12) it turns out I'm just fighting against those who I consider to be unfaithful! Who do I think I am? Lord help me! Good for me, I know He will!

June 22, 2006

Lord, help me learn.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Cor. 10:13

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst." 1 Timothy 1:15

"I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." Luke 15:7

March 26, 2006

VMT + GOD = BFF

I feel boring lately. Unoriginal. Contrived. I feel boring when I curse. I feel boring when I get self-righteous. I feel boring when I'm talking and talking, making excuses as to why I'm so different now than I was six months ago. I feel boring when I sin because I know it makes me into everyone else who couldn't help themself. Furthermore, worrying about all these things is boring!


The only time I don’t feel like that is when I’m talking about how I feel for God. Or when I’m just enjoying the communication we’re having with one another. Or when I’m so full of the Holy Spirit that I find myself laughing or smiling uncontrollably, and I just want to share it with every person I encounter. THAT is when I feel unique, when I am right there with God, our arms linked, best friends forever.


"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6: 31-34

March 24, 2006

Attention Soul Train Award receipients: Please stop thanking God




I spent the latter half of a work day on Saturday watching the Soul Train awards with my client. Normally I wouldn't watch a music awards show because since I am a creature of habit and my music range is limited to about fifty artists, I don't know most of the bands or individuals being presented to or by (some of you can verify this; I only listen to new music when you give it to me, never because I sought it out myself). But there I was, at the mercy of my 84-year-old lady's entertainment whimsy. It was either WTTW news or Soul Train. Soul Train won. Odd choice, I thought, but apparently it's her bag.

So there we were, not enjoying either Vivica Fox's cleavage nor the Black Eyed Peas' sub-par performance of "My Hump," when onto the stage walks Stevie Wonder, a beacon in this, the soulless land of a musical genre gone wrong. Mr. Wonder (whose title is so appropriate) is there to give out the, get this, "Stevie Wonder lifetime achievement in songwriting" award. He gives his prepared speech explaining the tradition of the award, how he thinks it strange to be presenting an award of his own name, etc. Then, just before he is to announce the winner he pauses, says, "Now, I want to say something else before we give this award out. This is for all the musicians and producers in here tonight: you have to remember that you have a responsibility as an artist. You have to remember that the music you create is out in the world now, forever. I'm just asking you tonight to be aware of the music you put out there, because it's infinite. And now, I want to announce the winner of the Stevie Wonder award: R. Kelly."

Wait. What? Did I hear him right? R. Kelly as the winner of the lifetime achievement in songwriting award? I mean, let's forget about his personal life for a second, the underage sex partners, the miscellaneous acts of deviancy and indecency. Put all of that aside. The beauty of his music, that's what is on trial here.

Have you stopped snickering at my last statement? Go ahead, take a minute if you need to. Now, can you separate an artist from his art? Can you take his professional life and split it apart, truly and completely split it from his personal? Not only is it improbable to do so, it's impossible. You see, an artist has a unique position in the world in that his creative output is a reflection of the innerworkings of him, his soul. Likewise his soul's whim is what drives him to create the music that he does. In addition, his personal endeavors are motivated by his soul's desires. So, if the outcomes of both his professional endeavors (his music) and his personal endeavors (his sexual deviancy) are the same, are we not to assume they came from the same source (his soul)? I might be going out on a limb to say that R. Kelly is soulless. So I won't. And actually, I think he has a soul, but it's full of spite and sadness and longing, which is what makes him believe this world is all he will ever have, which makes him want to destroy it with his patented brand of "R&B to pee on a thirteen-year-old girl to."

But I digress. I don't care much about R. Kelly in the long run, except that someday I hope he finds enough joy in his life to make a song worth repeating the words of (didn't he once believe he could fly? When did he convince himself he was earthbound eternally?). Really, all I want is for "artists" like him to do one of the following:


A) Thank God for your singing/writing/producing talent and stop before thanking Him for getting you where you are today. God didn't ask you to sing about your humps, or if her man is on the floor, or how you just want to be some man's dessert. Nah, He gave you the gift to sing/write/produce, but I bet money He'd rather you sing about something NICE (i.e. not contradictory to His idea of goodness).


B) Stop mentioning God altogether when you accept your award. Know that your superficial shout-out to the Almighty is NOT indicative of the relationship He wishes you had with Him. The God you think you're thanking is shaking His head and better odds He's listening to nothing rather than Charlie Rich.


or,

C) Truly thank God for your talents and use them to sing about good things. I know, doesn't that sound trite- good things- but I mean it; wouldn't it be wonderful if the audience got more excited to hear about the love and joy you feel for your life than anything Mariah Carey has to offer (please reference: any song on "The Emancipation...")?


It should be noted: Not every award given was illegitimately so. John Legend, for example, won several awards this year at S.T. He thanked his fellow musicians, his family, his fans and, only once, God, adding that it was because of God that he could sing at all, and for Him he was trying to do good in the eyes of. Amen, John.

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