November 26, 2010

Expectations

Families: Moms and Dads. Sisters and brothers. Everybody has a relationship with one or many of them, and each comes with a string attached.

Parisienne Farmgirl and I were talking at the farm about familial expectations. I brought it up, as family dynamics both fascinate and befuddle me. And, now that I have a family of my own (crazy!), I'm even more aware of the need to cultivate family ties and not just expect them to be present... or perfect.

I've also been thinking about what I really want to do with this blog. I love writing, but get overwhelmed by blogging because of the pressure I put on myself to make it something spectacular every time. So I've been pondering, what am I trying to convey, and who to?

Since Sofia was born it has become obvious. I want this blog to be something she can read sometime later and see what was going on in the world that was important to me.

My own baby book is sadly lacking in both pictures and content (maybe because I'm the youngest of three?), as is my knowing who my mom really is. It breaks my heart that the expectation I had as a child - that someday my mom and I would be really close seems to be slipping away ever more. Time and distance won't kill a relationship, for sure, but without a foundation it is difficult to build one up when we are so far apart. I can't bear the thought of that happening with my own daughter. The thing I want more than anything in the world is to be close with her, so that she can depend on me for all she needs, now and in every time of her life.

The format here will change a bit. I will keep all the old posts here for reference, but the look and feel will be different from now on. I hope it will allow me to be a little more honest with who I am, so that Sofia will have a window into her crazy mom's mind.

She is sitting with me right now, and the thought us always being so close is almost too wonderful to bear. I can't wait...

7 comments:

Farmgirl Cyn said...

I am thinking I will very much like the new format and feel of your blog. Motherhood gives you eyes for things you did not see before, eh?
And yes, families are not always what we wish them to be, but thank God, we have others who step in to take their place. I have friends who are far closer to me than any sibling could ever have been.
Blessings to you, Victoria, as you travel the unseen road ahead.

Kate said...

You are off to a wonderful start. Daughters (and sons) make our life so rich...

She's a beautiful babe, but you probably already knew that. ;-)

cityfarmer said...

I love how you think ...
and your daughter, my grandaughter, is a very blessed little girl.

I can just see her later in life curling up with you to read mommie's blog.

Are you renaming the blog, too?
I love it
and I love you

Parisienne Farmgirl said...

Oh I am crying. Thanks alot Little Momma, I did my makeup today and everything.

My heart swells at the thought of the two of you curled up on the couch... her so tiny... the snow falling all winter.

You are embracing Motherhood the way more mothers should... it's like you put your arms back and are just falling into it. It's absolutely beautiful to watch. Our Sovereign God has you right here, right now... he has charged you to seek Him FIRST and watch over that precious girl... the days may seem mundane soon... that what you are doing is not worthwhile... but that is a lie. Every diaper you change, every extra five minutes of soothing in the rocking chair... and soon every little cardboard book you read... THEY ALL MATTER. There is no pricetag, no words to describe how your togetherness will affect her someday... whether she knows it or not.
God uses all things for his glory... perhaps if your relationship was better with our Mom your heart might be unknowingly callused to what Sofia needs from you. One never knows.
Victoria, I never thought your heart was hard towards Motherhood but each time I see you, I see this softening to it... you love her so very much and that is beyond evident.

Some winter many years from now, Sofia will hunker down, settle into her own couch and read your words and her heart will swell with love for you.

Parisienne Farmgirl said...

I meant "your Mom" not "out Mom" - guess that could have been confusing. Like I said, you had me crying.

Victoria said...

Thank you all for the encouragement... I feel like becoming a mom is the only thing I've done with my life that was worth doing. Oddly enough, that doesn't make me feel like I've wasted my time on other things.. it makes me very happy.

Remember all the talk about how motherhood completely fulfills you? Turns out it was true after all. Stay tuned...

Victoria said...

Ang... it is so true what you said about how every moment counts. She has no one else to be her mother..God has blessed me with choosing me. I'm glad I can share my new momness with you, too. =)

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