May 2, 2011

May 2nd, 2011

Dear Sofia,

I want to do what’s right for you. But you’d be amazed at how conflicted my thoughts about what that means are.

I don’t want to work, not really. But I do. I bring you to daycare (which is provided by a great woman and is only five minutes away from my office) and then I spend nine hours at the office. The people I work with are, for the most part, tolerable. Yet all but one aren't believers and some are downright hostile to God and everything I put trust in. (That’s the reason I took Good Friday off this year; after hearing what some had to say about our Lord last year, I knew I couldn’t take it again.) So, it’s a less than pleasant – and it’s in no way spiritually profitable – experience working with them. But I like my boss, who I think is a Christian, so I stay.

I’d rather be home, doing virtually anything else that would afford me to have time with you… and would also help pay the bills. Your dad and I are in a role-reversal of sorts, where I am the primary moneymaker. He even stays home with you one day a week (which is wonderful). I admit, I’m pretty jealous of that.

But.. my job is a blessing. It must be; it has allowed me to get maternity care and birth care, has exposed me to some really nice people (mostly in the other half of our building) and has given me opportunities to become competent in my field. I don’t want to “look a gift horse in the mouth.” I AM thankful for this job.
Why is working so heavy on my mind? For one, because it always is. I daily regret not getting to spend time with you, wonder if I’m missing out on any milestones, feel sad and guilty about coming to work. Feel guilty, too, about not “trusting God” to provide for us financially (although I will argue that I did trust God to find this job for me).

And secondly, because I’ve been offered a promotion. That means I will be making more money (about $5000 more/year) and have greater responsibilities (which is good for my mind and confidence). It also means I will have a more flexible schedule, which will allow me to take more time off to spend with you. If it doesn’t work out, or if I need to resign in the next couple years, I think my boss would completely understand. We have had candid conversations before, and it’s fully encouraged.
So a promotion is a good thing… right? For now, while your dad is looking for a new job, I should be making as much as I can and saving as much as possible. Without his income, I don’t see what other choice I have.

And yet.. I still feel incredibly guilty.

I love you so much. I hope I am doing the right thing.


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